I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
