where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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