it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Acid is not a monday night drug
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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