please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
