tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
