I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
