It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no you cant smoke seaweed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
