I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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