angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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