There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
