Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
