I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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