how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
