The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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