I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
