Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
