You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
