Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
