I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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