I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
