Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
