So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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