Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
