8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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