Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
