pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
A+ Viking dick
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