If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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