Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
