I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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