Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
