have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
