Your favorite bartender is back from prision
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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