and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.