Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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