Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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