seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
