my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
