Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize