So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
