i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
