i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
