Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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