College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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