id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
