Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Who died my cat blue again?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
