Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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