i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
