Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Pooping to opera.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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