My sheets look like a crime scene.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
