ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
