I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
