It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
