i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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