3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
