I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
