my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The air taste purple.
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