the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
