Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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