I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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